issue around t world,not me only

the last guy i dated was my best friend. thats what relationships are suppost to be, they are your best friend. AND thats cool but when that relationship ends, you cant forget you do loose your best friend and thats something you dont get over in a couple days. so our breakup was probably one of the most confusing that even i can barely explain. we just slowly started fading after a silly fight after i wouldnt go to a razorback game with him because we had been arguing lately and i just thought we needed some time. from then on we started talking more on the phone then actually being around each other. the feeling was still there and we didnt talk differently too each other. we were talking one night and it was just a mutual breakup really over nothing where im sure neither one of us thought it would actually be OVER but it was and it only got worse and harder to deal with because it was just unexpected and it was one of those you dont realize what you have till you loose it. . i would always invite him and beg him to go with me but he would just stay at home while i would go to parties. now i look back and know i should have thought more about his feelings but at the same time he had gotten to do all that ..we were the same age..but he just expericed it all before me. so after our wierd breakup that neither one of us really got. i still took it as a no big deal thing and would try talking to him and his friends at this point wanted him single so they could be boys i guess. and this is when he started changing. we talked about once a month from then on randomly just wondering about each other i guess and this is really the first time i let myself be sad over a boy and it KILLED ME!! . at the beginning of my senior year we decided to try again but he had changed so much as in doing things he use too be too good to do and more. so i felt like the trust wasnt there anymore. he said that we had both matured so it would work. but in reality i think i had gotten out of the party stage when he had just got back in it. after all those times of missing him and thinking about him EVERYSINGLE DAY like i still do know [that i hate] i told him we probably shouldnt only because when we did try again i expected a cute date or where we like started over something i dont know..i mean it had been a whileeee and we had a lot of catching up too do…the same feeling was there and we were back to best friends again but i was confused..i guess i expected him to chase me after saying that..but he still texted me everyday and we did that for a long time but i eventually told him we couldnt do that if we wanted to mvoce on..i told him he should get a girlfriend bc deep down i knew if he had a girlfriend i would be less likelky too ever want him again,, wierd i know but thats how i felt….and so he took that as me saying he was such a bad guy for the things he had been doing then and we stopped talking. i recently had my graduation and looked over in the crowd to my left and we both made eye contact and even tho we ended whatever taht last thing was on good terms i had hard feelings and i dont know if its because i sitll to this day can not stop thinking of him..not in a i miss him like want to be with him way..but in a i miss what we had so much and i cant feel that with anyone else…way you know….i just dont know what i wantttttt uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i just cant wait till the day i find the next boy that stops me from thinking of this guy every single day!!!!